Mar 3, 2014

Sexy Jesus, Pt. II: The Gallery

Well, it took years, a Portuguese sex symbol, and a trending hashtag, but they finally got there. The major media has noticed the strange tendency to portray Jesus as the sexy white guy he almost definitely wasn't. Well, he might have been sexy. We don't really know. But white, not so much.

Son of God has been doing big box office as the striking Diogo Morgado reprises his role from The Bible. But strangely it seems the first time the press has seriously entertained the question: Why is Jesus so sexy?

It's something I've been asking for quite some time. Why is Jesus always hot? He was kind to prostitutes and adultresses, so the story goes, but never had sex with any of them. He never had sex at all. Any suggestion that he may have sends the Vatican into a full-blown tizz.

There is something deeply disturbing about these endless portrayals of Jesus as a very handsome -- and emotionally available -- but asexual man. Yet, Jesus has been dead sexy down through the ages.

Iconic Jesus with just the barest hint of seventies rock star:

Seventies rock star with just the barest hint of Jesus:

Ted Neeley as Jesus Christ Superstar

Mary Magdalene just totally gone on rock star Jesus:

Carl Anderson, Ted Neeley, and Yvonne Elliman in Jesus Christ Superstar

Handsome, sensitive Jesus definitely not flirting with Samaritan woman:

Why do birds suddenly appear, ev'ry time you are near... other seventies Jesus:

Brian Deacon as Jesus

Holy face, handsome face:

Also known as that totally hot detective from Law & Order:

Jeremy Sisto as Jesus

Whatever you do, don't think about Valentine's Day:

Sacred Heart Jesus

I said don't think about Valentine's Day. Not even if it's the inimitable Jeffrey Hunter playing the King of Kings:

Jeffrey Hunter as Bling Jesus

Yes, that Jeffrey Hunter, aka., Captain Pike of the USS Enterprise:

Jeffrey Hunter as Jesus in King of Kings

Handsome, blue-eyed, Swedish Jesus:

Handsome, blue-eyed, Robert Powell Jesus:

Robert Powell as Jesus of Nazareth

Sad but totally ripped Jesus:

The very handsome Jim Caviezel transformed into a somewhat more Semitic looking and devastatingly gorgeous Jesus in Mel Gibson's tour de force Passion of the Christ:

Jim Caviezel as Jesus in Passion of the Christ

Also known as BDSM Jesus:

Jim Caviezel as Jesus in Passion of the Christ

Sweet, sincere, if somewhat naive, Jesus making Bill Maher look like about a half a man:

Bill Maher and Jesus in Religulous

Ouch! Even atheist Jesus is, like, totally hot:

Sean Douglas as Jesse in Mr. Deity

Ya gotta admit, this is one #hotjesus:

Diogo Morgado as the Son of God

Part one of Sexy Jesus can be found here.

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